Ten v SpongeBob
by Laura Harkness
Summary: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? */I'm sorry, I'm so sorry/* Yet another hair-raising installment based on another great */and by "great" I mean "terrible"/* teevee theme song. ARE YOU READY KIDS? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
1. Chapter 1

**Ten v. SpongeBob**

INT. TARDIS

Ten is leaning against the wall, watching Rose as she washes the dinner dishes.

Ten: What's that you're singing?

Rose: Huh?

Ten: You're singing something under your breath, what is it?

Rose: I am?

Ten: (exasperatedly) Yes!

Rose: (looks befuddled) Erm… Can you hum a bit of it for me?

Ten hums a few bars, as always his memory is flawless and he's perfectly on key. What else would you expect?

Rose: (pensively) Hmm…

Ten: Well?

Rose: Oh! It's the SpongeBob SquarePants theme song.

Ten: The… WHAT?!

Rose: It's a cartoon – but, you know, one of those cartoons that they say is for kiddies but really is for adults…

Ten: (pulls a face) But… but… Sponge-what?

Rose: SpongeBob SquarePants. Honestly! Do you live in a cave?

Ten: Rose! I can't know everything, can I?

Rose: I won't touch _that_ with a ten-foot pole. But seriously, SpongeBob is an over-optimistic, extremely annoying and very, um, _clean_ character who lives in the ocean. He and his companions usually get into loads of mischief… Come to think of it, he rather reminds me of someone I know… (Rose's eyes narrow as she inspects Ten in an unexpected and totally new light)

Ten: (!)

Rose: Anywho, his main companion is a dim-witted but loyal pink starfish named Patrick. His other companion is Squidward, a cranky, ambiguous, and sometimes brutal purple octopus.

Ten: (suspiciously) Any chance did Jack have something to do with the creation of this show?

Rose: (contemplates for a moment) Ah, no, I don't think so… Maybe? Oh, and SpongeBob has a pet snail named Gary whose only sound is "meow." And they live in a…

Ten: (turns as if to leave) Okay Rose, thanks. Thanks for sharing.

Rose: Oh! But don't you want to hear the theme song?

Ten: (stops in mid-step) No… No, I don't think so.

Rose: (ignoring him)

Oh! Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?  
SpongeBob SquarePants!  
Absorbent and yellow and porous is he!

Ten: That's okay, Rose, really… That's enough.

Rose: (louder; continuing to ignore him)

SpongeBob SquarePants!  
If nautical nonsense be something you wish...

Ten: Argh! (starts running)

Rose: (louder still)

SpongeBob SquarePants!  
Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish!  
SpongeBob SquarePants!  
Ready?  
SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants!  
SpongeBob... SquarePants! Hahahahahahah…

As the sound of The Doctor's hasty footfalls fades, Rose continues to laugh.

**Author's note:**

I don't own 'em but I love 'em both. Meow!


	2. Chapter 2

**Ten v. SpongeBob: The Sequel**

INT. TARDIS

Rose, still laughing, throws down her dishtowel and pads after Ten.

Rose: Wait! Wait, Doctor!

Ten: (silence)

Rose: (knows he's around somewhere, keeps searching) Doctor?

Ten: (more silence)

Rose: SpongeBob is cool. Really! You'd like him. The show deals with all sorts of important issues like the tension between youth and maturity, but yet is often absurd, if not totally surreal. (Rose giggles) Like when Patrick wonders how a camp fire is possible on the lagoon bottom and as soon as he asks the question the fire goes out with a loud sizzle.

Ten: (groans audibly)

Rose: (calls out) If you don't like that one, how about this?

Ten: (off in the distance) No Rose. Really, I'm good.

Rose: (she spots him up ahead) But… listen: it's about a brave and heroic Captain, a brilliant yet totally geeky and mostly clueless Doctor called "The Professor" and a dim-witted yet good-hearted sidekick.

Ten: (stopped in his tracks, back towards Rose) Oh God.

Rose: (scratches head) Hmm? Isn't that strange? Ya gotta wonder…

Ten: (tries to hide his head in his hands)

Rose: Anyway, they get shipwrecked on a desert island and have all kinds of bizarre adventures.

Ten: (shaking head, muttering softly) I don't believe this is happening.

Rose: Well, I mean, it's not a cartoon but it has a great theme song!

Ten: (still not facing her, gazes up at the ceiling) No, Rose, please…

Rose: (clears throat)

Ten: (whispers) Please…

Rose (sings loudly and exquisitely off-key):

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,  
A tale of a fateful trip  
That started from this tropic port  
Aboard this tiny ship.

Ten: (finally turns to look at her) Rose?

Rose (continues singing):

The mate was a mighty sailing man,  
The skipper brave and sure…

Ten: ROSE!

Rose: (interrupted) WHAT?

Ten: I have something to ask you.

Rose: What is it?

Ten: It's very, _very_ important, this thing I'm going to ask you.

Rose: (becoming very, _very_ serious) Uh, okay, Doctor. What is it you want to ask me?

Ten: (grim-faced, but a bit of a gleam in his eyes) ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FREAKING MIND?

Rose: (breaks out in a huge smile)

The weather started getting rough,  
The tiny ship was tossed,  
If not for the courage of the fearless crew  
The Minnow would be lost…

Ten: (puts fingers in ears, turns and flees)

Rose: (shouting after him) Here on Gilligan's Isle!

**Author's note:**

Blame it on Ponella!


	3. Chapter 3

**Ten v. SpongeBob: Several Weeks Later**

INT. TARDIS

Ten is leaning against the wall, watching Rose as she washes the dinner dishes. Rose is babbling.

Rose: …and then I accidentally hit her in the face with it. Broke her nose! I was only five, or maybe six, seven at the most, and I'm sure I didn't…

Ten: (no longer standing against the wall; has, in fact vanished)

Rose: (notices he's no longer standing against the wall) Doctor? (sotto-voiced) Guess I was boring him. Check that one off as a non-repeater.

Rose: (hears faint tinkling of four or five random piano keys) Doctor?

Rose: (puts down dishtowel) Doooctooorrr! Where arrrre you?

Rose: (leaves kitchen, following sound) What arrrre you dooooinnng?

Ten: (sitting at a grand piano, poking a couple of keys with the index finger of his right hand) I'm in heeeerrrre!

Rose: (looks around, surprised) What is this place?!

Ten: (looks around, seemingly befuddled) Uh, it's the music room?

Rose: Huh?

Ten: (still poking random keys, still looking mystified) Um… it's where I keep the piano?

Rose: Okay… It's just I've never seen it before.

Ten: (shrugs) Maybe you've never gone looking for it before?

Rose: So what are you doing?

Ten: (scoots over) Come here, sit down.

Rose: (sits close to him on the piano bench, shoulder touching shoulder) Alright…?

Ten: (continues poking seemingly random piano keys with a single finger) I've been thinking…

Rose: Oh-oh.

Ten: (ignores her) You didn't think I'd just let you win like that, do you?

Rose: Win? Win what? This isn't a competition…

Ten: (smiles wickedly, notes are sounding a little less random) Oh Rose, you should know by now _everything_ is a competition. And well… there's this show…

Rose: (gasps as he places his other hand on the keyboard and starts playing more complex notes and chords with all ten fingers; the music is eerily, _almost _familiar)

Ten: It's about an honorable, wise and courageous Captain, a witty, extremely smart _and sexy_ (clicks his tongue and winks) Doctor, and a loyal but dim-witted, and essentially harmless yeoman assistant.

Rose: (scoots a few inches away from him)

Ten: (glances at her sidelong as he begins to play a recognizable tune) They are on this beautiful, fantastic, ship…

Rose: (groaning) Oh geez…

Ten: Having romantic, exciting adventures…

Rose: (closes eyes, shakes head)

Ten: (accompanying himself on the piano starts to sing, softly at first)

Love, exciting and new  
Come Aboard. We're expecting you.  
Love, life's sweetest reward.  
Let it flow, it floats back to you…

Rose: (alarmed, slides farther away)

Ten: (voice and piano becoming louder)

Love Boat soon will be making another run  
The Love Boat promises something for everyone…

Rose: (slides off the piano bench and nearly falls down) Oh no!

Ten: (interrupting himself before continuing) Oh yes!

Set a course for adventure,  
Your mind on a new romance…

Rose: (scrambles towards the door) Eek!

Ten: (still playing, calls to her) Rose!

Rose: (horrified) What?

Ten: (tosses her a white purser's cap, she catches it) Game on! And if you can top this, well… I'll just have to keep trying.

Rose: (muttering under her breath, disappears with the cap)

Ten: (reaching a crescendo)

Love won't hurt anymore  
It's an open smile on a friendly shore.  
It's LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! It's LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! It's  
LOOOOOOOOOOOVE!

Ten: (stops playing, smiles triumphantly)

**Author's note:**

This one I totally blame on Haleine.


	4. Chapter 4

**Ten v. SpongeBob: 'Can We Fix It?' Edition**

EXT. ALIEN PLANET, NIGHTTIME

Ten, Rose and Jack are running for their lives from icky spacemonsters.

Ten: (breathing hard, yells) Rose?! Jack?!

Rose: (breathing hard) Here!

Jack: (breathing hard) Present and accounted for!

Ten: I think we've overstayed our welcome! Head for the TARDIS!

Rose: Right!

Jack: Heading!

INT. TARDIS

Ten: (scrambles to console; barks over shoulder) Last one in – close and lock the doors!

Jack: (closes doors) Aye, aye, Sir!

Rose: (scurries down to Ten) Whew! That was close!

Jack: (loud external banging) Doctor! They're trying to get in!

Ten: (manically twirls knobs, pumps levers and such) Time to go!

Jack: (joins them; banging gets louder) _You think?_

Ten: (with theatrical flourish punches big button, TARDIS makes pathetic whimpering sound) Oh...

Rose: What's wrong?

Ten: (widens eyes) They have a Series-5 Varon-T Casimir Chronometric Disruptor!

Rose: Huh?!

Ten: (very agitated) This is not good…

Jack: (banging grows even louder) Doctor, tell us what's wrong!

Ten: (yells over continued banging) They've crashed the TARDIS operating system like a bad piece of software! Her database is hosed! Her network protocol stack flattened! Her machine code corrupted! We're not going anywhere!

Rose: (looks at Jack, clears throat)

Jack: (looks at Rose, clears throat)

Ten: (oblivious to sundry looks and/or throat clearing) I'm so sorry! She's dead! My TARDIS is dead! There's nothing I can do! We're all _doomed!_

Rose: (sidles over to Jack, squeezes his bicep; outside banging becomes more rhythmic) Can we fix it?

Jack: (pulls large sledge hammer out of a coat pocket, hands it to Rose) Yes we can!

Ten: (_finally_ notices them) What?

Jack: (draws a big honkin' space gun out from under his coat and grins) Ha! Series-8 Metrion quantum anti-disruptor!

Rose: (huskily) Oooh!

Ten: What?!

Jack: (nods towards Ten, winks at Rose) I always thought he was a whole lot like Muck! He _so_ acts before he thinks…

Rose: (smiles) Oh no, he's Spud! He's_ that_ creepy sometimes!

Jack: (laughs wickedly, raises anti-disruptor into the air) You like my tool, Wendy?

Rose: (flashes eyes) I _love_ your tool, Bob!

Ten: WHAT?! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!

Rose: (giggles) Muck to the rescue! (starts to sing)

Hey!  
Time to get busy, such a lot to do…

Jack: (sings loudly)

Building and fixing till it's good as new…

Rose: (sings in response)

Bob and the gang have so much fun…

Jack and Rose: (sing together)

Working together, they get the job done.  
Can we build it? Yeah!  
Can we fix it? Yeah!

Ten: WHAT??

Jack: (grins hugely, eyes sparkle) I do believe you're right, he _is_ Spud!

Rose: (laughs as she sings)

Pilchard and Bird, Travis and Spud  
Playing together like good friends should!

Ten: (bolts toward the door)

Jack: Oh look! Spud's on the job!

Rose: (breathily) He's gonna go get some of that LARGE, POWERFUL, MACHINERY!

Jack: Ooooh!

Ten: (glares at them over his shoulder) It occurs to me it's safer outside than in here!

Ten: (slams door on his way out)

Jack and Rose: (sing together merrily)

Bob the Builder  
Can we fix it?  
Bob the Builder  
Yes, we can! Yeah!

**Author's note:**

Gee... Thanks for this one goes to: elegos-sirinial-shamtul and Bad Wolf Jr. Hope you're happy now! (Heh)


	5. Chapter 5

**Ten v. SpongeBob: Happy Holidaze**

INT. TARDIS

Ten is leaning against the wall watching Rose as she washes the dinner dishes.

Rose: (clears throat nervously) Doctor, there's been something I've been meaning to ask you…

Ten: (fiddling with his sonic screwdriver, responds distractedly) Oh yeah, what's that, Rose?

Rose: Well… you know that the Holidays are coming up.

Ten: Um… Holidays? What d'ya mean?

Rose: Christmas is a few weeks away.

Ten: (dreamily) Christmas?

Rose: (smiles sweetly) Yeah… You know, Santa Claus and ho-ho-ho, and mistletoe and presents to pretty girls…

Ten: (smiles blankly back at her) Huh?

Rose: (exasperated he didn't get her pop culture joke) Doctor! My mum will be expecting us, or at least me, for Christmas.

Ten: (stands up a little straighter, finally taking notice) And…?

Rose: And I'd like to go home!

Ten: (confusedly) What? You want to go home _now_?

Rose: (eyes flash) No! I want to go home for Christmas. Christmas!

Ten: Ah! Christmas… Happy Holidays, Rose. Happy days…

Rose: (relaxes a bit, smiles) Yes, happy days to you, too, Doctor.

Ten: And when would you like to go home, then?

Rose: Well, Christmas is three weeks from this Tuesday so, maybe the Sunday or Monday before?

Ten: Happy Holidays, Rose. Right… Sunday or Monday. Happy, happy days…

Rose: (nods) Yes, whichever you prefer is fine with me. Sunday… Monday… Happy days…

Ten: (nods back silently)

Rose: (looks worriedly at him) Doctor, are you all right?

Ten: I'm fine, Rose, what makes you think I'm not?

Rose: (perplexed) It's just that I'm not sure you're listening to me.

Ten: Oh, I'm listening…

Rose: Then what did I just say?

Ten: (puts his sonic to his lips, lightly blows into it and it plays the key of C) You said…

Rose: (looks alarmed)

Ten: (puts away sonic, begins to sing)

Sunday, Monday, Happy Days…

Rose: (groaning, backs away) Oh geez…

Ten: (ignores her, his voice gains volume)

Tuesday, Wednesday, Happy Days…  
Thursday, Friday, Happy Days…  
The weekend comes,  
My cycle hums,  
Ready to race to you.

Rose: (puts down dishtowel, moves toward the door)

Ten: (grabs Rose's right hand in his and spins her)

These days are all,  
Happy and free. (Those Happy Days)  
These days are all,  
Share them with me. (Those Happy Days)

Rose: (tries to step away) Doctor!

Ten: (smiles wickedly, pulls her into a ballroom stance)

Goodbye grey sky, hello blue.  
There's nothing can hold me when I hold you.  
Feels so right, it can't be wrong.  
Rockin' and rollin' all week long.

Rose: (gasps) Oh!

Ten: (interrupts himself) Correctamundo! (starts to dance as he resumes singing)

This day is ours.  
Won't you be mine? (Oh Happy Days)  
This day is ours. (Oh Happy Days)  
Oh please be mine.

Rose: Oh dear!

Ten: (foxtrots Rose backwards across the kitchen)

Hello sunshine, goodbye rain,  
She's wearing my high school ring on her chain.  
She's my steady, I'm her man,  
I'm gonna…

Rose: (finally breaks free, flees kitchen) Arghhhh!

Ten: (sings softly to himself, then smiles) …love her all I can…

**Author's note:**

I take full responsibility for this one.

And just in case you're wondering: Fonz (whimsical, aloof, cool, sexy) -- Ten; Joanie (sweet, beautiful, feisty, a bit clumsy) -- Rose; Ritchie (loyal, optimistic, reliable, devoted) -- Jack.

Other ideas for theme songs happily accepted!

"Aaay!"


End file.
